"I am not in a position to forgive you or not to forgive you."
Silence is not always a damning answer. Updated 1.14.25
Dear Rabbi:
Silence is not always a damning answer. However, my father told me: "There will be days like this; remember when you don't need an answer"
Sylvia, la Reine des commérages Caryn Cast (F Train public art at Second Avenue)
I am giving you these comments because I used to have high expectations of you and was confident you could reach them. No longer:
Leaders' first obligation is to the people, not their self-aggrandizement.
This will be my second intervention, as I was not yet an ARZA member. My first was as a young confirmation class member at WRT when Rabbi Stern asked me to do him a favor. At my father's insistence, I agreed. I was suited to being someone else's silent ears, and, at the time, I had two. So, I listened to the “adults” on the committee and did not speak.
Now, I am highly reluctant to be compelled to silently listen to my fellow adult congregants, as I did last Friday night, in your absence, to the nature of the conversations of the "men" who approached our former President last Friday night sitting in front of my N1 seat, on the southern aisle.
Even to my monaural remaining acoustic nerve, the whining and gossiping were almost unbearable, so I left before the Torah reading, Parashat Vayechi, where Jacob says: "Have no fear. Am I a substitute for G-d?"
I look forward to Shemot 2:17, where Moses "stood up and helped them and watered their flock."
In my house, we favor quiet conversation.
You and I have far different standards for acceptable chit-chat. Our former president tolerates banal talk about other people's illnesses, tragedies, and personal business, but I am tortured by it.
In my house, we have to be forced to lead. We like standing against the room’s wall, pretending to be part of it.
As Rabbi, you have set the tone.
Of utmost importance, I don't remember having yet asked you for an apology for your role in the assassination of my character or disparaging other members of my family, including my mother, who is similarly afflicted, but she is my mother.
As in Vayechi, Jacob implicitly says, "I am not in a position to forgive you or not to forgive you."
I am sure everyone you have not disparaged or gossiped about will forgive you, so if all is well in your mind, that defines you.
Your unique skill set includes leading a congregation in prayer, but it does not always grant the leader the ability to represent us at the table or listen to the smaller voices. Rabbi Jack Stern, whom you called "God" from the bimah in a vain attempt to compare yourself to him, did both well.
We need more reluctant leaders, and your eagerness to seek attention always betrays you. In your voice, I have never heard Esther's voice to Mordechai telling him: "I can save them." Or, an ounce of kindness to those of us who view and participate in the world differently than you do.
People think you have empathy, but you appear to have no compassion for the pain and suffering you caused me, directly or indirectly, or the pain you indirectly caused two of my sons. Your religious school leader even suggested in writing that I take one son out of religious school. Where were you when that happened?
Setting the tone.
Resigning from the WZC ARZA slate, along with your fellow gossip, who emulated your behavior, would make room for two reluctant Jews.
I would like to give this further thought. I ask you to decide before the WZC vote commences.
The Pirkei Avot says, putting aside, for a second, the gender issue:
"Where there is no man, try to be a man.”
Ben Gurion understood this well when he cited Golda Meir as "the only man in my Cabinet."
You have never watered my flock, as Moses did, nor offered to lend a hand to gather in mine; indeed, your words and actions were geared at isolating me from our flock and not bringing my sons back to my flock. You oared my opponent’s boat, even after she tried to cancel my Membership in 2009 and declared, under oath last year, that she was not Jewish.
Every sheep in the herd deserves to be heard and carried if needed, which I am sure you also tried to prevent among clergy and Members.
Water, water, it's always the water.
However, it's always Egypt for us, so please, both of you, make the right choice and stand down.
Let reluctant ones lead, and let us anneal and grow stronger in your absence with leaders who listen to our smaller voices:
©Philippe du Col, 2025
3:14 π
B'Shalom,
(((Philippe)))
"Toute vérité n'est pas bonne à dire."
"Je ne peux m'empêcher d'être du côté de ceux, quels qu'ils soient, qu'on humilie et qu'on abaisse. Ceux-là ont besoin d'espérer." AC
("I can't help but be on the side of those who are humiliated and degraded, whoever they may be. They need to hope.”)
"I am not going anywhere, but I gotta get going." PDC
