We may sometimes confuse shame with guilt, which is a related but very different emotion.
Guilt is a feeling you get when you did something wrong, or perceived you did something wrong. Shame is a feeling that your whole self is wrong, and it may not be related to a specific behavior or event.
Shame is a scar that resides in your mind and it is, usually, invisible to others.
What is shame, but a plea for tenderness?
Recognizing the immobilizing fear of hurt, rejection, and abandonment, at the heart of avoidance, I know. I saw it in others after I fixed mine. You never lose that feeling.
Losing shame can be a life long war, or the memories of one, and the battles create avoidance, the frantic fear of abandonment and a dereliction of the joys of intimate relationships, difficulties with trust, the benefits of sharing pain which is the kernel of intimacy, the cement of friendship.
“Solitude makes us tougher towards ourselves and tenderer towards others. In both ways it improves our character.”
-Nietzsche
“Without tenderness a man is uninteresting.” Marlene Dietrich
First Bud, Ville de Bruxelles
“From: an Old Rose
Date: Mon, Feb 29, 201X at 10:02 AM
‘Subject: Re: Bonding
To: <Philip Gates>
I just realized how the lack of tender feelings towards Chuck due to his bouts of rage and intimidation impacted our intimacy - it was next to impossible for me to “'give back'“ because of the accumulated resentment, and I was relieved when he traveled, for I didn’t have to worry about sleeping with him.
Kindness goes hand in hand with tenderness and generosity of body and spirit, and it feels so good lying next to you in the morning.
The roses are beautiful.
xxxxxxxxx’”
—-Duchess of Orange 🍊
Second bud.
Roses take time, and tenderness, too.
Tenderness is gentleness and affection, together, with a sensitivity to pain, especially to someone else’s pain. Roses are very sensitive. They feel everything, your tension, your understanding, your kindness and, yes, how gentle you are with them.
Roses remember everything.
My roses and I are both alone, like ships at sea, and like two ships traveling together, in the same direction, the ocean races between them, at a speed in excess of their own, pulling them towards each other. An able captain knows this, but it takes two to avoid a collision.
The water speeds up between them. The slower water on the outside tends to push the ships together:Bernoulli’s Principle.
“Put two ships in the open sea, without wind or tide, and, at last, they will come together. Throw two planets into space, and they will fall one on the other. Place two enemies in the midst of a crowd, and they will inevitably meet; it is a fatality, a question of time; that is all,” Jules Verne wrote.
When you’re away from your rose garden, you still remember it with affection because of all the hard work you have behind you, in the ground. The colors and overwhelming scent are the end result. Everything has to be just right—sun, humidity, moisture. You have to be tender with your rose, it feels pain, you know. I confess, I play them music, and I sing to them. I am practicing for the opportunity to go on tour as a back up singer.
Today it was “Stand By Me,” sung live one night, by Tracy Chapman, because I can sing.
“No, I won’t be afraid,
Just as long as you stand, Stand by me.”
And, I have, and I will.
But the Comte de Saint-Exupéry said it best:
“‘Goodbye,’” said the fox. ‘Here is my secret. It’s quite simple: One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes. . . . It’s the time that you spent on your rose that makes your rose so important. . . . People have forgotten this truth,’ the fox said, ‘But you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose. . . .’”
I grow roses because I am entranced by their unforgettability. Unforgettability dominates my life. Even when I am thousands of miles away from them, I can hold in my mind the memory of their scent and their color. Some people cannot do that. I am unable to unhinge myself from my roses, or from my dog, too, because some memories are the perfect painting, for they revive lives lived; the perfect world, never gone, just on a shelf, ready to be taken down when needed, when ready.
“What makes people so impatient is what I can't figure; all you have to do is wait. Is the play over?” Duchess of 🍊
©Philippe du Col, 2023. & Duchess of Orange©, Philippe du Col, 2023